I woke up this morning surprised to hear the television on.  Jane and Will had friends over until 9:30 last night and I was positive they were going to sleep in.  Regardless, someone was awake at 7am on a Sunday after a wild night.  Time to get up and investigate.

So I walk into the bathroom and there is vomit all over the floor.  How did this happen and no one woke us up?! I stick my head into Jane’s room.

Jane: “Yea, I threw up.  Every where.  I had to change my pajamas.  There’s some on my bed and on the floor.”

Me: “Did any make it into the toliet!?”

She nodded wide eyed.

Jane helped me get the bedding off her bed and I cleaned everything.  She said she felt better so we took a shower to get ready.  We were going to the craft fair and then wedding dress shopping for Jane’s aunt, Nini.

She fell asleep after getting ready and Brian said he would just move her to the car. We went back and forth for awhile about what to do, but she seemed fine and she wanted to go bad so we just went with it.

Nana arrives, Brian puts Jane in the car.  Jane wakes up laughing and seems fine.   I decide to withhold the fact that she had vomited.  We seem to have moved past it and no need to dampen this experience.   Off we go.  Brian had given Jane her blanket, her Elsa doll, and her Nintendo DS.  This is fine.  We’re going to be fine.

We make it about 10 minutes from the house when Nana catches a glimpse of Jane in the rear view mirror.

Nana: “Jane, are you alright?”

Jane: “No.  I don’t feel good.  I think I have to throw up.”

PULL OVER!!!

Nana does not pull over immediately to the disappointment of Nini and myself.  I tell Nini to switch spots with me.  Last thing we need is a puked on bride trying on wedding dresses.  The instant Nini and I start swapping spots Jane becomes a fountain of Red Gatorade.

I use the blanket to catch the vomit that she is trying to keep in with her hands creating a spray vomit effect.  Why is everyone’s immediate response to do this.  Why don’t we know better.  There is so much coming out.  I didn’t even think she drank that much.  I’m genuinely happy she didn’t eat a solid breakfast.  We stop.  Jane gets out of the car.  Soaked in her own vomit.  We take the blanket, her jacket, and tragically a red vomit soaked Elsa, and shove them into a bag after we clean her up the best we can with the vomit soaked blanket. Of course it was the 40$ stuffed else from Disney World that looks like she has now seen some shit.

This is fine.  We’re fine.

She is now standing outside in 20 degree weather wet from her own vomit.  I give her my jacket, and buckle her back in at the scene of the crime.  I now have to talk this child down from her girls day to go back to ride the couch while her Dad and brother watch football.  I’ve never felt worse in my life.  I promise to take lots of photos and buy her a special surprise from the craft fair.

Jane runs in the house.  Brian takes all the vomit items and brings me a fresh jacket. (Brian was the real MVP, he managed to clean the house, do laundry, and tend to a vomit kid while I was out.  I married a winner.) We get back in the car and get on our way.  Round 2.

As we’re driving Nini and I realize Jane vomited in my hair.  My hair smells like my daughters vomit.  My daughter vomited in my hair.  I’m surprised I’m saying that now at age 7.  We get to the craft fair and Nana and I wash our vomit catching hands.  The first bathroom we see doesn’t have a sign on it.  We walk in.  The urinals are a dead give away that we are not in the right place, but we smell like vomit so we wash our hands.

A dude walks in very confused.  I peace out.  Nana decides to finish washing her hands and the dude can wait.  Nana has no fucks for this dude.

I smelled like vomit all day.  This is motherhood.  This is fine.  I’m fine.  Nini picked a dress.  This was a successful day.  Jane liked the photos and got some special glitter bath bombs she will see tomorrow because I left them in Nana’s car.