Let me tell you how my house stays clean.  I throw everything away.  I come home and shit is all over the counters and I throw it away.  I keep the good crafty art work, but throw everything else away.

This has proven bad more times than good, but perhaps people in my house should just put things where they belong.  Just a thought.

So we get a note from Jane’s teacher on Tuesday saying she needs to send back her book and the homework along with it.

Me: “I have no idea what this homework even is.  I’m just going to respond to resend it as it is gone.”

Husband: “Why would you throw it away?!”

Me: “How am I supposed to know what is what if it’s just left out.  Perhaps she should’ve put it in her folder when it was done?!”

Words are exchanged about my practices, but the note goes back to school to resend.

The next day the teacher walks the kids out as always, but finds my dad, who picks them up from school.

Teacher: “The book needs to be returned, it’s one of a kind and can’t be replaced.”

My dad is now in a panic.  My dad is 72 years old and has just been intimidated by a Catholic school teacher that has been around since the 70’s.  Shit in the Hornung household is tense.  Only 2 people know what we’re looking for, but there are 5 of us looking for it.

My dad calls me in a panic sifting through the trash.

Dad: “Jen, she said this is a one of a kind book. I gotta find it. She looked me in the eye, Jen.  I gotta find it.”

Lots of eyerolls from me.  Who trusts a 7 year old with anything that’s one of a kind.  Why can’t we just let Jane own this.  Why can’t I throw shit out in my own house in peace. Needless to say I’m not looking for this, but my dad and husband are.

I come home to find the book and homework sitting on the counter, but the homework is slightly charred.  Husband sifted through all of the trash, outside from the past week, and found it.  The book was in great shape, though.

I don’t ask what happened to the homework.  Husband is huffing and puffing as it is I’m not trying to engage him in this.  I open the microwave to to reheat my dinner and it smells.  It smells like someone put trash in the microwave and it started on fire… WAIT A MINUTE.

Me: “Brian, did you put the homework you found in the garbage in the microwave?”

Husband: “Yes”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because it worked with the book.”

Don’t send anything home with a 7 year old because her mom will compulsively throw it away and her dad will get it on fire…